Western Hemispheres Relocated to Mystic Lake

APRIL FOOLS’ DAY – THIS IS A JOKE

US National Secretary Art Rousmaniere has decided to move the 2020 Western Hemisphere & Orient Championship (WHO) to Mystic Lake, which is several miles away from Logan Airport and its potential for international infection. “We’re still working on a social distancing plan, given our tiny boat park,” Rousmaniere admits, denying any conflict of interest as a member of Mystic Lake’s Snipe Fleet #77. “Also, we will probably have to severely cut back on the number of boats per country, though we’re really hoping to avoid banning non-US competitors altogether. Our unique geography will make it possible to screen every sailor for fever as they pass through the narrow opening out into the Lake each day. We think that will ensure a much safer championship.”

An added benefit, Rousmaniere adds, will be a guaranteed wave-free venue. “Boston Harbor is open water!” he exclaims, shaking his head in disgust. “You never know what will hit you when you sail there, and we can’t expose our international Snipe friends to the double-threat of airport germs and waves.”

Not so bullish on this plan is Fleet #77’s usual regatta co-host Medford Boat Club and fleet #777, less than a mile away. Longtime fleet member Suzette Fraser says that regatta locations should not be trifled with after the Notice of Race has been published. “We plan to boycott the regatta. That means no bocce, and no Kill the Keg…”

Though Rousmaniere says it’s unfortunate that his decision has caused a rift between the two local fleets, he insists it’s the right move for the class as a whole. “We must find a way to protect our sailors,” he says, “both from easy travel and from the uncertainty of waves.” Asked about the unique uncertainty of Mystic Lake’s notoriously “mystical” wind shifts, Rousmaniere shrugs. “When the wind changes, the best sailors adjust their sails.”

(Rumors that the WHO trophy has already been engraved with Jimmy Bowers’ name could not be confirmed.)

(2 hours later)

Party of 2 for WHO?

In order to safeguard all Snipe sailors planning to attend the 2020 Western Hemipshere & Orient Championship (just recently relocated to Mystic Lake), the trophy has been pre-awarded to Jim Bowers. “Once we began to look seriously at maintaining social distance while hosting an international championship,” Regatta Chair Stephen Braverman says, “We realized it just wasn’t feasible to include everyone who qualified on such a small footprint. Jimmy always wins everything we sail on the Lake, so this decision makes sense. And it’s a uniquely American solution; blame other countries for our problems, and uninvite everyone else. Radical move, but the only way to adequately safeguard our sailors.”

Asked why regatta organizers didn’t award the trophy to fellow American (and defending WHO champion) Ernesto Rodriguez, Braverman scoffs. “Ernesto doesn’t have the cajones to hang on Mystic Lake. All he can do is hike and catch waves! Jimmy plays the shifts.”